How to Spot An Abuser


What is an abuser? The dictionary and the internet (wikipedia) defines an abuser as:




  1. someone who regularly or habitually abuses someone or something, in particular.

    • someone who makes excessive use of alcohol or illegal drugs.

      “intravenous drug abusers”

    • someone who sexually assaults another person, especially a woman or child.

      “an alleged child abuser”

But an abuser is way more than those words. An abuser is a person who afflicts pain and suffering to those around him. An abuser is a person who puts the people around him in pain and misery.

Many people suffer from abusers. They feel scared, traumatized and some eventually become abusers themselves. Domestic violence is a real issue. But abuse does happen everywhere and anywhere.

Who is an Abuser?

An abuser is person who willingly or unwillingly puts someone in pain and peril through abusive action. An abuser can be anyone. It can be your husband, wife, child, your boss or even a friend. Abusers often become abusers themselves because they have seen abuse and often times unconsciously accepted abuse as a part of life.

An abuser does not have to necessarily physically hurt you or sexually harass you. An abuser can be a bully. He or she places you in a vulnerable positions and belittles you.

Traits of an Abuser

Abusers normally grow up to be abusers or have been abused before. They may be suffering from a form of mental illness so they enjoy inflicting pain. They may also have has a difficult childhood and is silently seeking revenge.

Possessiveness – Abusers normally show possessiveness. They will say that they love you and that what they are doing is because they love you. They don’t want you to go out by yourself. They don’t want you to have a friends or have a life for that matter.

Jealousy – Jealousy is a big sign of being abusive. Trust is a sign of mental stability and relationship loyalty. If a person is unreasonably jealous, then he or she can be an abuser.

Humiliation – An abuser uses embarrassment and humiliation to belittle you. He or she makes you feel small and worthless. He or she may use abusive language that may make you feel less of yourself. Romantic partners who use humiliation can turn relationships bitter and lonely. Parents who often put their children on spot in front of others can cause emotional torture to themselves

Dominance – Dominance is equal to power and power is what abusers crave. They will play games that involve power and guilt. They often times do not like to be called out for their mistakes and would counter attack you and turn the blame back to you.

Abusers normally feel that they have the mental and emotional authority in the relationship. If you are dating a person like this or married to this person, he or she will try to assert themselves all the time.

Guilt Trip – Abusers normally use guilt and love in order for an abused to stay in the relationship. They would show their vulnerable side. They would make you feel that they need you. They also want you to feel that you are helping them. When guilt does not work, they may harm you physically or mentally.

Irrational – Dealing and negotiating with an abuser is almost impossible. They have a pretty clear cut idea of the things they want. They will not allow mistakes or other decisions besides their own. Reasoning with them is is futile.

They also too spontaneous and easily do get carried away by their emotions. They get into this whole whirlwind romance thing because they are afraid of losing a person and want to be living together right away.

Controlling – Abusers often want to put you into your place by controlling everything and anything that you do. They want to tell you what clothes you should wear, who you talk to and what you do in your life.

Blamer – An abuser tends to blame everyone else for his or her problems. He sees himself as the victim. He thinks that the whole world is out to get him and thus he needs to fight back.

Hates or hurts animals and children – Abusers normally show abusive behavior. They tend to be hurtful to vulnerable creatures like animals and children. Even young children who tend to inflict pain on animals normally grow up to be abusers. This is because abusers have little or no respect for life that they deem lesser than theirs.

Past abuse – Abusers may have experienced abuse before. They may have a a parent who physically hurts them or physically hurts their other parent. They witness pain and suffering and hate this but eventually become conditioned that pain is part of life. They tend to repeat the things they have seen or experience before. Without proper counseling and guidance, victims of abuse can become abusers as well.

Why Do You Need to Know Who Is An Abuser?

You need to know this because love is not enough to protect you from abuse. If you life with an abusive partner, you will live a miserable life. Cutting ties with an abuser early on is better than living with them in misery. When you know that a person is an abuser, you can lead them also to seek help and counseling.